Sometimes it's not fair, it's better than fair.

This post has been rattling around in my head for a while now, but I wasn't exactly sure how to go about it. I finally know where I want to go with it, so here it is:

When I was a little girl, I was lucky enough to get to spend quite a bit of time with my grandma, Honey. Honey has 6 kids, but she always told me she would have had more if the Dr. would have let her. Maybe this is what made me decide that I wanted 12 kids some day, I don't know? (We're thinking three or four kids sounds like a better idea these days ;)

Like most kids, I had a few different career aspirations over the years. For a while, I wanted to be a waitress (I knew how to dream big) and then I wanted to be a nurse like my grandma. Good thing I didn't choose that path considering I can't stand the sight of blood and I pass out if I see a needle! After the 1996 summer Olympics, I decided I wanted to be a gymnast so I could be like Atlanta's Magnificent Seven- Dominique Moceanu, Kerri Strug- you know who I'm talking about. My dad humored me and let me bring a 2x4 in from the garage to be my balance beam. These dreams came and went, but I always knew that I just wanted to be a mother.

In high school, if asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, I would have told you that I wanted to be a "soccer-mom". My class mates wanted to be doctors, and professional athletes and marine biologists...but not me. I just wanted to be a mom.

Fast forward about eight years to today. Here I am, still longing to be a mother. I know we're not supposed to understand everything and that God has a plan bigger than us, but I can't help but wonder why the girl who dreamed of being a mother from childhood is having such a hard time, yet it seems to come so easy to others-some that don't even want kids.

This weekend, we had a training. Lance and I, two people who want nothing more than to become parents, have to complete about 25 hours of training. At the training, I have to admit that I felt a little bit like we were being punished for not being able to have kids the old fashioned way. I definitely think the training was useful and I'm glad we went, but through this whole adoption process, I have felt as though we are being punished. Any random person can get pregnant whether they are going to be a good parent or not, but Lance and I, who have taken all the steps to do this the "right" way, have to go through endless hours of trainings, and multiple screenings and evaluations to make sure we are not criminals or crazy and then wait for an unknown amount of time before we will be "good-enough" to be parents.

Like I said, I've struggled with all of this, and I still do, but I think I'm starting to understand what God is doing in our lives. We always said we wanted to adopt some day, but would we have really done it if we were able to have biological children? I wish I knew the answer would be yes; but after seeing what a time consuming, and let's not forget, expensive process it is, we may have looked into it and decided not to go down that road.

I have also developed a compassion for all of these children. I have to admit that orphans didn't really cross my mind too often. Now, not a day goes by that I don't think about all of those children out there who have no family to call their own. These kids are so scared that they might not get another meal, that they gorge themselves to the point of vomiting, or they dig in the trash to find food because they are so afraid that they will starve.

I have also had the opportunity to talk to a mother who was planning on giving her baby up, and a mother who had her children taken away while she got her life in order. These two ladies gave me a whole new perspective on what it means to give your child up or have your children taken away. They were girls, just like me, who made choices that caused them to not be able to take care of their children. I also realized that these women didn't know any better and didn't have a support system to help them through the hard times. I can't imagine being in that position and I understand now, that it's not as black and white as I once thought.

I guess the bottom line is that it hasn't been easy, and sometimes I still get frustrated about the way it has worked out, but I know that this whole experience has been life changing in a good way, so how can I not be thankful for the way that it happened?

Twenty-Six

That's how old I'll be in a couple of weeks. I'm on the downhill slope to 30 which explains why my neck is still killing me from our weekend sledding adventure. Proof that my body doesn't bounce back like it used to.

This is Deep...

I bet you thought I was going to get all philosophical...Nope, I was talking about the snow- It's DEEP!

We went sledding today on our X-treme Sledding hill and here are some of the pictures I took:


Here's Lance, getting ready to speed down the Giant hill!!!

I may be small, but I managed to pop this tube and Chris popped one too! After my tube-popping wreck, I ended up with my head stuck in the snow and just my legs flailing around in the air; everyone got a pretty good laugh out of it :)

Here is most of the group; I was taking the picture and Eddy was still on his way back up the hill. We always have so much fun with these guys!

I took this picture in the car on the way to go sledding, I don't know how much snow we got, but when we were sledding, I would step and sink down until the snow was almost up to my waist. We got a serious workout!

We took Max sledding with us, but this is actually from yesterday when Lance took a break from all the shoveling to have a little Max time. Aren't they cute :)

J & C

This weekend, we took a quick last-minute trip to the Denver area to meet up with our good friends, Justin and Colleen and John and Jen came to hang out too. Here are some pictures from our fun weekend:


We had a really sweet rental...the guys were proud to show it off ;)

Awe, we miss them!!!

Boulder Creek Trail.

Colleen and I pretending to be rock climbers :)

You can't tell in this pictures, but the guys are really up high on a rock outcropping.

The Girls.

Jen's pretty brave! She wasn't scared at all and we were way up there!!!

We went to Casa Bonita for dinner. Apparently, if you are from Denver, you went here as a kid; but some of us had never been before and we thought it was pretty great!!

John and Jen at dinner.

Justin and Colleen are such wonderful friends! I'm glad we still get to spend time with them even though we live in two different states.

His Hands Needs Help

The home in Taiwan that we are adopting from is in need of prayer and financial support. They just found out that they can only have four babies at a time in the size of house they are currently in. In the past week, they've had to turn away 5 babies because they have no more room, yet they can't afford to move into a bigger home. If you feel compelled to give to this cause, you can donate here.

Because I've Been Asked...

I have had a few people ask me about an adoption update, so here it is:

We are still waiting, waiting, waiting and we still feel at peace about it. I did find out that our application has been accepted and we are on the actual waiting list with His Hands so that's pretty exciting. I have no idea when our application was accepted, but it's just good to know that we are on the list.

We are trying to save money and pay for the adoption expenses as they come, which has worked out so far, but this is another thing that helps me be patient. If it happened too fast, I don't know where we'd get the money to pay for it all.

Other than that, our homestudy is complete and the agency should be sending it to us in the next few days so we can look over and sign off on it. The agency will also send a copy of our homestudy to His Hands so that they have a chance to look over it and make sure it is acceptable as well. Once we have signed off on the study, the next step will be to get our federal fingerprints done. These are digital fingerprints and will have to be done in Grand Junction or Denver so we'll probably be making a trip to one of those places in the next month or so. We are signed up for a CORE training at the end of January and then we will only lack a few hours to fulfill our training requirements.

As you can tell from my previous posts, I'm having fun making plans and purchasing everything that we will need when we bring our baby home. I just continue to pray that God grants me patience through the rest of this process, however long it might be.

I Will Be a "Different" Mother

I found this poem online a while back and it says it better than I ever could:

There are women who become mothers without effort
without thought, without patience, or loss,
and though they are good mothers and love their children,
I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics or money or
because I have read more books,
but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.

I have longed and waited.
I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have
appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their
dreams.

I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep,
explore and discover.
I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to
the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold
and feed him and that I am not waking to take another
temperature, pop another pill, take another shot, or cry
tears of a broken dream.
My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me
this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon
my child.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child
that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am
a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor,
friend and sister because I have known pain.

I know dillusionment, as I have been betrayed by my
own body. I have been tried by fire and hell that many
never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from
their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I seet it,
mourn it, and join them in theirs.
I listen.
And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it
less lonely.

I have learned the immense power of another hand
holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they
learn to accept the harsh truth when life is beyond hard.

I have learned a compassion that only comes by walking
in those shoes. I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes, I will be a wonderful mother.

-Author Unknown

The only thing I would change is that in the beginning, it says "I will be a better mother" and I wouldn't necessarily say it like that, because I know some WONDERFUL mothers who didn't go through what Lance and I have. Instead, I think I would say "I will be a different mother." I will have a different perspective than I would have, had we not gone through everything we did, but I don't necessarily think it will make me better than other mothers out there who didn't go through the same things, just better than I would have otherwise been.

And I also must give credit to God. Yes, I prevailed, I succeeded, I won (or at least we're getting there)...but only because of God.

2010

Dear God,
I am hoping and praying that 2010 is the year that we get to meet the baby you have chosen for us; but if it's not, I will wait :)